I of course would never "choose" for Duane to deploy. Or maybe "choose" is a bad word. I guess you can say, I could never see myself looking forward to deployment.
But I guess once it presents itself, you have to find the "good" in it. Trutfully, I think halfway through deployment this list is going to "look like bullshit" and I'll just "want my damn husband to come home" and feel like "thank the Lord we only have 2 more years on this contract.."
But I guess if I "have" to have a list of the bright side of deployment, here it is.
1. We'll be able get out of credit card debt and save the money Duane needs to finish his A&P license in a short period of time. Which I do think is important considering Duane is getting out in 2015, we want to have a baby.. and truthfully- nobody wants hundreds of dollars a month of their income going to pay off debt. It's not that we have massive debt (ok, actually we really do.. if student loans are considered), but things do come up.
2. We'll get a homecoming. LAK ER MA GOSH. EXCITED.
3. I get to finish nursing school in "peace". And I don't meant that, the way it sounds. Sometimes I really do feel like I neglect Duane. Nursing school is non stop, everyday throughout the semester. I barely cook or clean, or anything else for that matter. I just feel like in Duane's "hiatus", I'll be able to finish my last semester, take and pass my boards and when he gets off the plane, I'll be a licensed nurse. I don't have to cook or clean this whole semester If I so choose, and I'm the only one who has to live with that decision.
4. I guess it's an oppurtunity to feel like "I got this", "I survived". I'm a strong girl. I'm independent. In theory, I know that I got this. But there are moments I don't feel strong. I guess this is a reminder.
5. Again, I would never "want" Duane to deploy- but I do feel like it's an oppurtunity for him to learn more about his job and build more confidence. Fixing planes is what Duane wants to do for the rest of his life- and I feel like he can only learn so much about them at a small base in the middle of nowhere Georgia. He can finally apply what he's learned to real life situations. He can finally do what he's been trained to do. And that's important for his future.
6. I can't make any promises, but maybe I can use this time to do somethng great. Probably not. But the option is always there.
But it just is what it is, and I just have to deal with the reality of the situation.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Getting pregnant. Or trying to.
Duane and I tried to get pregnant before deployment.
Note: I really have no idea if I'm pregnant or not. I just know for sure, we definitely did things that often lead to pregnancy. I don't really have any symptoms. So I don't know. I have no predictions.I would be shocked if I am pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if I wasn't. So maybe I do have a prediction. I feel like the odds are definitely against me. Science says that. Duane thinks If I think positive, I'll be pregnant. I sort of hate that thinking. I don't think you can positive think your cancer away. I don't think my positive thinking is suddenly going to undo the past and perform the act of conception. Either I am, or I'm not. Either the sperm went to right place or it didn't. Either the egg was there or it wasn't. Hows that for science? But I don't think my thoughts right now have anything to do with what may have taken place in my womb.
So there, Duane. Save it.
So we "tried". But why the change of heart? Why try now and not wait until deployment is over? Why try knowing we only had month to try and then he'd deploy. It was just this moment of reality. Even when Duane comes back from deployment he'll still have enough time on his contract to possibly deploy again. There is definitely enough months left for him to go again. That said, We are going to be on a cycle of "Who the hell knows whats going to happen" from now until 2015. And even when he gets out the Air Force, who the heck knows what will happen then?
For me to sleep better at night, I just had to accept that. There will never be a day in my life where I can look into the future. Frankly, it'd probably always be easier to never have a baby. Since the future is unkown, it only seems logical it'll be much easier if we only have to worry about ourselves.
But the truth is, we do want a family. I was tired of being all "What if..." It's not WHAT IF.. it's WHEN, because shit always happens. Jobs? Duane has an engineering degree. He can use it. Duane also could serve tables, work at Walmart or do lots of other things to provide for his family if need be. I could be a teacher, social worker and after I get my license in August.. a nurse. (LOL. Seriously, do you know anyone with credentials to be all those things. I've been in school far too long). Where will we live? I don't know. But I'm sure we won't be homeless. Everything else? It's not what if? It's when. Something will happen to one of the cars. The dryer will break. Something will happen. It'll never just not be NOTHING. Until we're dead. And even then. I feel comfortable with the reality of our life.
So it just seemed like we were "ready" to try. Also deployment has this weird way of putting your priorities in order. Also deployment has this way of making you feel like you need to have sex 3882 times, increasing your chances of conception.
But as we get closer to finding out if I'm pregnant or not, it is sort of rough. If I'm not, then we wait. And we just have to make the best of things. On one hand, it's WOOHOO at least I won't have to be pregnant alone. (Because Duane says I have to be positive and find the good in things). On the other hand its, tough. Damn, I'm not pregnant, again. And then I have the weight of trying when he comes back. The anticipation of waiting to find out. Peeing on those damn ovulation sticks day after day. In addition, I have to wait until he comes back to try. Months Duane is gone+possible months of trying when he gets back= Clearly pregnancy is not happening anytime between now and a long ass time from now.
This isn't the first time Duane and I have "tried". I've taken my share of pregnancy tests. All negative, by the way. I've taken my share of ovulation tests. Trying is not fun. (It is. But it isn't). "Relaxing" feels impossible. It's like putting all your hopes and dreams into something, then you wait, and you hope the answer is "YES".. but it seems like the odds are always higher for "NO" or "Not Pregnant" or "Negative" or the "bitch fuck you" AKA sad face ovulation sticks.. I've come to know.
Do I think one day I'll be pregnant? Absolutely. Hell, maybe I'm pregnant now. But do I absolutely dread this cycle we're on? I absolutely do. At times I wish we could have an "oops". Or maybe that's the secret. To not try. Then again, we've "not tried" in the past, and nothing has come from that.
We'll see what happens next week. I'm going to POSITIVE THINK hcg in my urine.
:)
Note: I really have no idea if I'm pregnant or not. I just know for sure, we definitely did things that often lead to pregnancy. I don't really have any symptoms. So I don't know. I have no predictions.I would be shocked if I am pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if I wasn't. So maybe I do have a prediction. I feel like the odds are definitely against me. Science says that. Duane thinks If I think positive, I'll be pregnant. I sort of hate that thinking. I don't think you can positive think your cancer away. I don't think my positive thinking is suddenly going to undo the past and perform the act of conception. Either I am, or I'm not. Either the sperm went to right place or it didn't. Either the egg was there or it wasn't. Hows that for science? But I don't think my thoughts right now have anything to do with what may have taken place in my womb.
So there, Duane. Save it.
So we "tried". But why the change of heart? Why try now and not wait until deployment is over? Why try knowing we only had month to try and then he'd deploy. It was just this moment of reality. Even when Duane comes back from deployment he'll still have enough time on his contract to possibly deploy again. There is definitely enough months left for him to go again. That said, We are going to be on a cycle of "Who the hell knows whats going to happen" from now until 2015. And even when he gets out the Air Force, who the heck knows what will happen then?
For me to sleep better at night, I just had to accept that. There will never be a day in my life where I can look into the future. Frankly, it'd probably always be easier to never have a baby. Since the future is unkown, it only seems logical it'll be much easier if we only have to worry about ourselves.
But the truth is, we do want a family. I was tired of being all "What if..." It's not WHAT IF.. it's WHEN, because shit always happens. Jobs? Duane has an engineering degree. He can use it. Duane also could serve tables, work at Walmart or do lots of other things to provide for his family if need be. I could be a teacher, social worker and after I get my license in August.. a nurse. (LOL. Seriously, do you know anyone with credentials to be all those things. I've been in school far too long). Where will we live? I don't know. But I'm sure we won't be homeless. Everything else? It's not what if? It's when. Something will happen to one of the cars. The dryer will break. Something will happen. It'll never just not be NOTHING. Until we're dead. And even then. I feel comfortable with the reality of our life.
So it just seemed like we were "ready" to try. Also deployment has this weird way of putting your priorities in order. Also deployment has this way of making you feel like you need to have sex 3882 times, increasing your chances of conception.
But as we get closer to finding out if I'm pregnant or not, it is sort of rough. If I'm not, then we wait. And we just have to make the best of things. On one hand, it's WOOHOO at least I won't have to be pregnant alone. (Because Duane says I have to be positive and find the good in things). On the other hand its, tough. Damn, I'm not pregnant, again. And then I have the weight of trying when he comes back. The anticipation of waiting to find out. Peeing on those damn ovulation sticks day after day. In addition, I have to wait until he comes back to try. Months Duane is gone+possible months of trying when he gets back= Clearly pregnancy is not happening anytime between now and a long ass time from now.
This isn't the first time Duane and I have "tried". I've taken my share of pregnancy tests. All negative, by the way. I've taken my share of ovulation tests. Trying is not fun. (It is. But it isn't). "Relaxing" feels impossible. It's like putting all your hopes and dreams into something, then you wait, and you hope the answer is "YES".. but it seems like the odds are always higher for "NO" or "Not Pregnant" or "Negative" or the "bitch fuck you" AKA sad face ovulation sticks.. I've come to know.
Do I think one day I'll be pregnant? Absolutely. Hell, maybe I'm pregnant now. But do I absolutely dread this cycle we're on? I absolutely do. At times I wish we could have an "oops". Or maybe that's the secret. To not try. Then again, we've "not tried" in the past, and nothing has come from that.
We'll see what happens next week. I'm going to POSITIVE THINK hcg in my urine.
:)
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Our (Long) Love Story
Duane and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary last week.
I think our story is interesting, but not super interesting, but I'll share anyway. I should probably break this story up, but that would require things from me I can't give right now.
October 2007- I met Duane when I was manager and he was a server. My first encounter with Duane was something like his food being in the window and instead of Duane taking the food to the customer he was talking with his friend (somebody who would end being his best man at our wedding). I said something like, "I'm really not sure how to say your name. Is it Duane? Or Dew-Ann? But you need to take your food out".
I may have even rolled my eyes. But seriously. The nerve of him. Duane and I still argue about this today. He thinks I was rude. But really, who the hell has time for food to sit in the window so you can talk about pokemon cards? Bye Duane. Just bye.
Weeks passed. I knew that Duane had a crush on me. But honestly, I wasn't immediately attracted to Duane. Duane was into comic books. He wore hoodies with anime characters on them. I really thought Duane was "out there". Also, managers couldn't date employees.. and I surely wasn't about to lose my job for Duane.
But Duane and I ended up being friends. As much as managers and employees could be friends.
January 2008- I ended up getting transferred to a store in Maryland. Technically, at this point in time, Duane and I were free to do whatever we wanted. Again, I still wasn't interested in Duane. I'm not sure of specifics but Duane ended up getting my phone number and we'd text every so often.
Sometime in 2008- Duane suggested he come to Maryland to visit me. I thought it was very strange and it made me uncomfortable. I knew Duane wanted me in ways I didn't want him (LOL), so I could only imagine us being all alone. Awkward. Do not pass go, Duane. Do not collect $100 Dollars.
2008/2009- I stepped down from my position as manager with the company and became a server again, so I could finish college. In summer of 2009 I came home for summer break and Duane and I ended up working at the same store.
June 2009- Duane still wanted me and I didn't want Duane. But what still was true about us.. we had this bond. Duane and I could look at each other, and with no words, we'd know what each other was thinking. I enjoyed talking to Duane. I just didn't like him in that way. But it was a fun summer, and I'm sure Duane asked me out probably every day until I went back to Maryland for college.
At this time, I did have a boyfriend.
August 2009- I went back to college and every so often Duane and I would text. It was always a friendly text. Again, I did have a boyfriend. And I was pretty adamant with Duane that I didn't want him and all we would ever be is friends. The end. Also, I had a boyfriend.
December 2009- I graduate from college and came back home to NJ, much to Duane's delight. At this time, I still have a boyfriend.
January 2010- One day after work I decided I was going to Chipolte and I said to Duane, "You're coming with me". I didn't think it was a date, because I had a boyfriend. I just thought it was two people going to Chipolte. (Ok, maybe this was trifling of me, seeing as how I had a boyfriend. But nothing inappropriate happened with Duane. It never did. We were friends). After lunch we went to the movies. From then on, Duane and I went out pretty much every weekend. But It was never a "date". We were just friends. Around this same time, I broke up with my boyfriend. He was in Maryland. I was in New Jersey. Things just happened that way.
February 2010- Duane asks me on a date for Valentines Day. Immediately I say no, but I pretty much get pressured to go by everyone at work. Yes, everybody was always on team "You guys are going to get married". But me. I didn't believe it.
Probably about 3 days before the date I started freaking out about things and told Duane I wasn't going. Duane was very heartbroken. I wasn't trying to be an ass. I loved Duane as a friend, but it's weird to be on a romantic date with your "friend".
So we ended up going to the mall together and sharing a cinnabon. Duane said he was very upset and not being able to take me out on a date, and I felt bad. Apparently it was a super awesome date. To this day Duane will not tell me the extent of the date, but I'm pretty sure it involved fireworks and a mariachi band.
I'm only 70% kidding. He went all out.
So I agree to let Duane take me to IHOP because IHOP isn't "romantic" and I don't want to feel weird. We ended talking at IHOP for about 5 hours. And it really was at that moment I said, "Duane is a good guy. He can be good for you. You just have to stop being scared".
I really was scared to be with Duane. Duane is the type of man you marry. And I wasn't ready.
So we continued to go out every weekend after work. We'd text. We spent our days off together. Everything was good.
April 2010- I don't know how our relationship came about but we were "together" for 2 weeks and it started to freak me out, so we broke up. But our break up wasn't an actual break up. We broke up, and went out to eat. Because people need to eat, and friends eat together. LOL.
And in typical fashion, we continued to hang out all the time and text all day.
June 2010- Duane graduates from college and ends up inviting his "friend". The friend= not me. So I show up to the graduation and I'm looking at "his friend" and I knew that something was up. ***This has nothing to do with the story directly. Indirectly, I just want to say, I was mad this other woman was there in support for my "man". Even though Duane was not my "man".
Months and months pass and Duane and I are still going out every weekend. We spend his birthday together. We spend my birthday together.
Ok, I promise the story is going to get good. Eventually there will be victory for poor Duane dealing with my drama and uncertainty.
In about August of 2010 I realized Duane wasn't going to deal with my crap anymore. I very much loved Duane, I was just afraid to be in a relationship with someone who had grown to be my best friend. He didn't directly say, "B, I'm tired of your shit. It's been 3 years now", but realistically I knew this couldn't continue. I was exhausted. LOL.
On a random day in September 2010 (really it was 9/15)- Duane asked me to go to the mall with him to pick out new clothes for work. Randomly we walk by Zales and Duane pulls me in. He goes, "B, I'm going to marry you. I know this is really weird, but I know that I'm going to marry you".
Ok, I'm not really sure what he said. To this day, I can't remember exactly what he said. But it was in that moment, we both sort of knew "this was it". Either we were going to be in a relationship, or go out trying. I remember the sales lady asking us how long we'd be together. And we just sort of laughed, and said "It's a long story".
We didn't end up getting a ring that night. There was no pressure from Duane. But we walked to the car and I said, "So we're dating again, OK?" And from that moment, we were dating.
October 2010- I ended up getting an apartment. Honestly, Duane wasn't even a factor in the apartment. But no less than 2 weeks later, Duane was moved in. Go figure.
November 2010- We survived Thanksgiving at my parent's house.
December 2010- Christmas at his parent's. At this point, pretty much everyone thought we'd get married.
February 2011- Duane proposes.
April 2011- We get married.
And that about sums up the drama. Duane and I joke that he waited a long time for me, and now I'm doing time for him (with him being in the Air Force).
Along the way people made comments about how we got married fast. Did we get married fast? Absolutely. Did things happen fast? Absolutely. I can't deny that. We got married too damn fast. And yet, I don't regret it. But moving in, getting engaged and getting married is a lot in 6 months, even if you've known the person for years. Hindsight is 20/20 and I get it now. I get the whispers. I get why people asked me if I was pregnant 45 times a day. "Maybe she's getting married because she's pregnant". No, I wasn't pregnant. We were just two crazies in love.
However, I belive this..
You make a decision to not only get married, but to stay married. It's been an interesting two years and I hope we have at least 99 more. At which point we'll be 125 and we'll have had a great run with one another. If there's a next life, I hope to be in Duane's life again in some capacity. Neighbors, classmates, maybe just pulling him over and giving him a ticket. You may say "Hmm. Why not just hope to be his wife again". If I know Duane and I, it won't be that easy. At most, I can hope to be the bug he swats out his face with my luck. Anything with Duane and I, won't be simple. Ever. LOL.
That's our long, drawn out love story.
I think our story is interesting, but not super interesting, but I'll share anyway. I should probably break this story up, but that would require things from me I can't give right now.
October 2007- I met Duane when I was manager and he was a server. My first encounter with Duane was something like his food being in the window and instead of Duane taking the food to the customer he was talking with his friend (somebody who would end being his best man at our wedding). I said something like, "I'm really not sure how to say your name. Is it Duane? Or Dew-Ann? But you need to take your food out".
I may have even rolled my eyes. But seriously. The nerve of him. Duane and I still argue about this today. He thinks I was rude. But really, who the hell has time for food to sit in the window so you can talk about pokemon cards? Bye Duane. Just bye.
Weeks passed. I knew that Duane had a crush on me. But honestly, I wasn't immediately attracted to Duane. Duane was into comic books. He wore hoodies with anime characters on them. I really thought Duane was "out there". Also, managers couldn't date employees.. and I surely wasn't about to lose my job for Duane.
But Duane and I ended up being friends. As much as managers and employees could be friends.
January 2008- I ended up getting transferred to a store in Maryland. Technically, at this point in time, Duane and I were free to do whatever we wanted. Again, I still wasn't interested in Duane. I'm not sure of specifics but Duane ended up getting my phone number and we'd text every so often.
Sometime in 2008- Duane suggested he come to Maryland to visit me. I thought it was very strange and it made me uncomfortable. I knew Duane wanted me in ways I didn't want him (LOL), so I could only imagine us being all alone. Awkward. Do not pass go, Duane. Do not collect $100 Dollars.
2008/2009- I stepped down from my position as manager with the company and became a server again, so I could finish college. In summer of 2009 I came home for summer break and Duane and I ended up working at the same store.
June 2009- Duane still wanted me and I didn't want Duane. But what still was true about us.. we had this bond. Duane and I could look at each other, and with no words, we'd know what each other was thinking. I enjoyed talking to Duane. I just didn't like him in that way. But it was a fun summer, and I'm sure Duane asked me out probably every day until I went back to Maryland for college.
At this time, I did have a boyfriend.
August 2009- I went back to college and every so often Duane and I would text. It was always a friendly text. Again, I did have a boyfriend. And I was pretty adamant with Duane that I didn't want him and all we would ever be is friends. The end. Also, I had a boyfriend.
December 2009- I graduate from college and came back home to NJ, much to Duane's delight. At this time, I still have a boyfriend.
January 2010- One day after work I decided I was going to Chipolte and I said to Duane, "You're coming with me". I didn't think it was a date, because I had a boyfriend. I just thought it was two people going to Chipolte. (Ok, maybe this was trifling of me, seeing as how I had a boyfriend. But nothing inappropriate happened with Duane. It never did. We were friends). After lunch we went to the movies. From then on, Duane and I went out pretty much every weekend. But It was never a "date". We were just friends. Around this same time, I broke up with my boyfriend. He was in Maryland. I was in New Jersey. Things just happened that way.
February 2010- Duane asks me on a date for Valentines Day. Immediately I say no, but I pretty much get pressured to go by everyone at work. Yes, everybody was always on team "You guys are going to get married". But me. I didn't believe it.
Probably about 3 days before the date I started freaking out about things and told Duane I wasn't going. Duane was very heartbroken. I wasn't trying to be an ass. I loved Duane as a friend, but it's weird to be on a romantic date with your "friend".
So we ended up going to the mall together and sharing a cinnabon. Duane said he was very upset and not being able to take me out on a date, and I felt bad. Apparently it was a super awesome date. To this day Duane will not tell me the extent of the date, but I'm pretty sure it involved fireworks and a mariachi band.
I'm only 70% kidding. He went all out.
So I agree to let Duane take me to IHOP because IHOP isn't "romantic" and I don't want to feel weird. We ended talking at IHOP for about 5 hours. And it really was at that moment I said, "Duane is a good guy. He can be good for you. You just have to stop being scared".
I really was scared to be with Duane. Duane is the type of man you marry. And I wasn't ready.
So we continued to go out every weekend after work. We'd text. We spent our days off together. Everything was good.
April 2010- I don't know how our relationship came about but we were "together" for 2 weeks and it started to freak me out, so we broke up. But our break up wasn't an actual break up. We broke up, and went out to eat. Because people need to eat, and friends eat together. LOL.
And in typical fashion, we continued to hang out all the time and text all day.
June 2010- Duane graduates from college and ends up inviting his "friend". The friend= not me. So I show up to the graduation and I'm looking at "his friend" and I knew that something was up. ***This has nothing to do with the story directly. Indirectly, I just want to say, I was mad this other woman was there in support for my "man". Even though Duane was not my "man".
Months and months pass and Duane and I are still going out every weekend. We spend his birthday together. We spend my birthday together.
Ok, I promise the story is going to get good. Eventually there will be victory for poor Duane dealing with my drama and uncertainty.
In about August of 2010 I realized Duane wasn't going to deal with my crap anymore. I very much loved Duane, I was just afraid to be in a relationship with someone who had grown to be my best friend. He didn't directly say, "B, I'm tired of your shit. It's been 3 years now", but realistically I knew this couldn't continue. I was exhausted. LOL.
On a random day in September 2010 (really it was 9/15)- Duane asked me to go to the mall with him to pick out new clothes for work. Randomly we walk by Zales and Duane pulls me in. He goes, "B, I'm going to marry you. I know this is really weird, but I know that I'm going to marry you".
Ok, I'm not really sure what he said. To this day, I can't remember exactly what he said. But it was in that moment, we both sort of knew "this was it". Either we were going to be in a relationship, or go out trying. I remember the sales lady asking us how long we'd be together. And we just sort of laughed, and said "It's a long story".
We didn't end up getting a ring that night. There was no pressure from Duane. But we walked to the car and I said, "So we're dating again, OK?" And from that moment, we were dating.
October 2010- I ended up getting an apartment. Honestly, Duane wasn't even a factor in the apartment. But no less than 2 weeks later, Duane was moved in. Go figure.
November 2010- We survived Thanksgiving at my parent's house.
December 2010- Christmas at his parent's. At this point, pretty much everyone thought we'd get married.
February 2011- Duane proposes.
April 2011- We get married.
And that about sums up the drama. Duane and I joke that he waited a long time for me, and now I'm doing time for him (with him being in the Air Force).
Along the way people made comments about how we got married fast. Did we get married fast? Absolutely. Did things happen fast? Absolutely. I can't deny that. We got married too damn fast. And yet, I don't regret it. But moving in, getting engaged and getting married is a lot in 6 months, even if you've known the person for years. Hindsight is 20/20 and I get it now. I get the whispers. I get why people asked me if I was pregnant 45 times a day. "Maybe she's getting married because she's pregnant". No, I wasn't pregnant. We were just two crazies in love.
However, I belive this..
You make a decision to not only get married, but to stay married. It's been an interesting two years and I hope we have at least 99 more. At which point we'll be 125 and we'll have had a great run with one another. If there's a next life, I hope to be in Duane's life again in some capacity. Neighbors, classmates, maybe just pulling him over and giving him a ticket. You may say "Hmm. Why not just hope to be his wife again". If I know Duane and I, it won't be that easy. At most, I can hope to be the bug he swats out his face with my luck. Anything with Duane and I, won't be simple. Ever. LOL.
That's our long, drawn out love story.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Currently..
I was sort of hoping this deployment would get cancelled.
HAHA and everybody laughed.
Not happening, apparently. We're getting closer and closer. Duane has more and more briefings. Apparently today I'm suppose to go pick up some "morale tokens". The way it was explained to me was it's 6 "tokens" I can use to call Duane for 20 minutes. In my mind- it all seemed too good to be true. Something about I go to the FRC and they set up the phone calls. They're scheduled, so both people know what time they are.
***Duane has a 87.2% listening ability. This could absolutely be the wrong information.
But I'll take my "magic tokens" since communication is suppose to be limited "over there".
....
School has been a mess. We're coming down to the wire and I just don't feel ready for boards, yet alone to be left to my own devices and be on the floor alone. I'm very stressed out, sometimes I think about not going to class. I don't think about quitting. I know for sure, I want to be a nurse. I know that these feelings of inadequacy shall pass. But it's tough being new. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to hide in a closet.
...
I don't know how to say this and not be an ass, so I'll just say it. Pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnacy is announced it seems. Sometimes I feel a little "jelly". I'm of course happy for people, but I'm a human.. and us humans just want what we want, when we want it. Patience is not one of my strong points. We can't try until Duane comes back and it may take months for me to even get pregnant.
Why do I feel like it has to happen soon? I feel like with Duane getting out the Air Force in June 2015, financially a lot of things (hell, everything) will be on me until he finds a job. I would hate to be pregnant when he got out the Air Force, because realistically how can I can be out of work to have a baby and still pay the bills? Basically, who wants to be pregnant and deal with all that?
I have so many scenarios in my mind and I guess it's human nature to think one of these scenarios is the "best idea". Without a crystal ball, I really don't know.
...
I really struggle as a military wife. Mainly because I know Duane is getting out the military. I almost feel like this is a temporary life and my real life starts on June 7 2015. It's hard for me to even accept this place as "home", because I've always known it was temporary.
We've lived in Georgia for about 16 months now (crazy) and our place finally looks like a "home". Originally, we decided not to do anything to this place but the bare minimum. Randomly like a month ago I pulled up and from outside I could see everything going on in our bedroom. It was only Duane laying on the bed using his macbook, but I could see it all.
In my mind I'm all, "Well what the hell else can people see". I couldn't take the thoughts anymore, so we hung up curtains all around the house. It's funny that hanging up curtains can make a place feel like home. So that slowly led to us getting a dresser for upstairs.
And really, I only bought the dresser because I said, "Well, it's an Ikea dresser. We'll just put it in the babies room when the time comes, so they can bust it up before they get a nicer bedroom set". I think the dresser was $150. But I couldn't allow us to spend more than that on a dresser knowing in two years we'll have a forever home, and honestly I probably wont want the dresser. I would just like to buy furniture once. I'd just rather spend the money and buy a really good quality bedroom set. But why buy something quality now? What size would I get? How do I know how our house will be layed out? Like now, we really could get a new mattress. But in my mind our next mattress will be king size. Our bedroom now? Not big enough. I refuse to even pay the money to get a mattress for 2 years.
I know these are all trivial things, but I've always found it weird to buy things knowing we'll be eventually leaving. Like now, our couch barely fits through our door. So unless we move someplace with a really large door or a big window to get the couch through- we really can't take this couch. This is another reason we didn't move on base. Our couch wouldn't fit through the door.
I'm ready to just be in one place. And then I have to laugh, because these are such minor problems. Yet still. It must be nice being in one place and not being afraid to buy furniture wondering if it'll fit in the next house.
Am I the only milspouse who ponders these things? But I really do have problems living in the RIGHT NOW. Although I know tomorrow isn't promised, sometimes it makes me smile more than today does.
HAHA and everybody laughed.
Not happening, apparently. We're getting closer and closer. Duane has more and more briefings. Apparently today I'm suppose to go pick up some "morale tokens". The way it was explained to me was it's 6 "tokens" I can use to call Duane for 20 minutes. In my mind- it all seemed too good to be true. Something about I go to the FRC and they set up the phone calls. They're scheduled, so both people know what time they are.
***Duane has a 87.2% listening ability. This could absolutely be the wrong information.
But I'll take my "magic tokens" since communication is suppose to be limited "over there".
....
School has been a mess. We're coming down to the wire and I just don't feel ready for boards, yet alone to be left to my own devices and be on the floor alone. I'm very stressed out, sometimes I think about not going to class. I don't think about quitting. I know for sure, I want to be a nurse. I know that these feelings of inadequacy shall pass. But it's tough being new. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to hide in a closet.
...
I don't know how to say this and not be an ass, so I'll just say it. Pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnacy is announced it seems. Sometimes I feel a little "jelly". I'm of course happy for people, but I'm a human.. and us humans just want what we want, when we want it. Patience is not one of my strong points. We can't try until Duane comes back and it may take months for me to even get pregnant.
Why do I feel like it has to happen soon? I feel like with Duane getting out the Air Force in June 2015, financially a lot of things (hell, everything) will be on me until he finds a job. I would hate to be pregnant when he got out the Air Force, because realistically how can I can be out of work to have a baby and still pay the bills? Basically, who wants to be pregnant and deal with all that?
I have so many scenarios in my mind and I guess it's human nature to think one of these scenarios is the "best idea". Without a crystal ball, I really don't know.
...
I really struggle as a military wife. Mainly because I know Duane is getting out the military. I almost feel like this is a temporary life and my real life starts on June 7 2015. It's hard for me to even accept this place as "home", because I've always known it was temporary.
We've lived in Georgia for about 16 months now (crazy) and our place finally looks like a "home". Originally, we decided not to do anything to this place but the bare minimum. Randomly like a month ago I pulled up and from outside I could see everything going on in our bedroom. It was only Duane laying on the bed using his macbook, but I could see it all.
In my mind I'm all, "Well what the hell else can people see". I couldn't take the thoughts anymore, so we hung up curtains all around the house. It's funny that hanging up curtains can make a place feel like home. So that slowly led to us getting a dresser for upstairs.
And really, I only bought the dresser because I said, "Well, it's an Ikea dresser. We'll just put it in the babies room when the time comes, so they can bust it up before they get a nicer bedroom set". I think the dresser was $150. But I couldn't allow us to spend more than that on a dresser knowing in two years we'll have a forever home, and honestly I probably wont want the dresser. I would just like to buy furniture once. I'd just rather spend the money and buy a really good quality bedroom set. But why buy something quality now? What size would I get? How do I know how our house will be layed out? Like now, we really could get a new mattress. But in my mind our next mattress will be king size. Our bedroom now? Not big enough. I refuse to even pay the money to get a mattress for 2 years.
I know these are all trivial things, but I've always found it weird to buy things knowing we'll be eventually leaving. Like now, our couch barely fits through our door. So unless we move someplace with a really large door or a big window to get the couch through- we really can't take this couch. This is another reason we didn't move on base. Our couch wouldn't fit through the door.
I'm ready to just be in one place. And then I have to laugh, because these are such minor problems. Yet still. It must be nice being in one place and not being afraid to buy furniture wondering if it'll fit in the next house.
Am I the only milspouse who ponders these things? But I really do have problems living in the RIGHT NOW. Although I know tomorrow isn't promised, sometimes it makes me smile more than today does.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Yesterday and today.
I think I mentioned Duane put in is package for below the zone to rank up early. Surprisingly, yesterday he got it. Honestly, neither of us thought he'd get it. I thought his package would get lost. Seriously. It's happened before where things in the military get lost. Duane just thought they'd choose someone else. They had some type of meeting with the commander yesterday and randomly Duane gets called on stage. I wish I could have been there, but the way Duane told the story was.. "After they give out 8 awards, they call me up. I'm thinking to myself. WTF is going on? What is this about? Then I hear a master sergeant saying ohhhhhhhh like I'm in trouble, so I'm like FML. Then I get up there with the commander and I saw the folder and I had to fight back me cheesing and play it cool". So that was really exciting for him. Yesterday was a good day, considering.
Today, I had my eye exam. My eyes have gotten worse over the last year. I asked the Dr if anything was causing it. Very blunt, he goes "Nothing other than the fact you keep having more birthdays". I'll be 27 in June. If this is a sign of things to come- I imagine needing bifocals by the time I'm 30. I'm on the hunt for new glasses now. The one pair I liked was $225. I'm not sure how I feel about paying $225 just for the frames themselves. I had to "think" about it.
Duane's parents are coming to visit before he deploys. I'm happy he gets to see his parents because he hasn't seen them in well over a year (I haven't seen my family either). At the same time, Duane's family makes me uncomfortable. Or maybe uncomfortable is a bad word. In the two years we've been married, I've only seen them a handful of times. And one was in Texas where we had a big argument at BMT graduation. I just think I haven't been around Duane's parents enough to feel comfortable around them. Sometimes I really feel torn on how to feel about Duane's Mom. She's his Mom. Duh she wants to know what's going on his life. But sometimes I feel like she pries for information and reads into things. Really, it could be me though. She's a nice lady, I just don't feel connected to her to call her up on the phone and talk with her. Honestly, I'm not sure what it would take to get there with her. I think Duane has his family and I have my family. When we have kids I'd hope his parents are in our child's life. At the same time, living 1200 miles away.. realistically, we may see them once a year. Theres nothing I can do about that. But I definitely don't have this perfect relationship with my inlaws and sometimes it's "weird", "uncomfortable". It's just strange sometimes.
I got a coupon code for a free baby carrier. The only thing I had to pay for was shipping. Obviously, with no baby on board I thought this was strange for me to purchase but it's FREEE and FREEE is good. But then I read the reviews and they weren't good. But sometimes I do have these thoughts about if it's normal to buy baby stuff before you get pregnant. Does it just depend on what it is. Like if you see something one of a kind cute is that more normal than buying wipes before you get pregnant? (But seriously I do have a small stash of really really cute baby stuff. If its realllyyy cute and different sometimes I'll buy it).
Today, I had my eye exam. My eyes have gotten worse over the last year. I asked the Dr if anything was causing it. Very blunt, he goes "Nothing other than the fact you keep having more birthdays". I'll be 27 in June. If this is a sign of things to come- I imagine needing bifocals by the time I'm 30. I'm on the hunt for new glasses now. The one pair I liked was $225. I'm not sure how I feel about paying $225 just for the frames themselves. I had to "think" about it.
Duane's parents are coming to visit before he deploys. I'm happy he gets to see his parents because he hasn't seen them in well over a year (I haven't seen my family either). At the same time, Duane's family makes me uncomfortable. Or maybe uncomfortable is a bad word. In the two years we've been married, I've only seen them a handful of times. And one was in Texas where we had a big argument at BMT graduation. I just think I haven't been around Duane's parents enough to feel comfortable around them. Sometimes I really feel torn on how to feel about Duane's Mom. She's his Mom. Duh she wants to know what's going on his life. But sometimes I feel like she pries for information and reads into things. Really, it could be me though. She's a nice lady, I just don't feel connected to her to call her up on the phone and talk with her. Honestly, I'm not sure what it would take to get there with her. I think Duane has his family and I have my family. When we have kids I'd hope his parents are in our child's life. At the same time, living 1200 miles away.. realistically, we may see them once a year. Theres nothing I can do about that. But I definitely don't have this perfect relationship with my inlaws and sometimes it's "weird", "uncomfortable". It's just strange sometimes.
I got a coupon code for a free baby carrier. The only thing I had to pay for was shipping. Obviously, with no baby on board I thought this was strange for me to purchase but it's FREEE and FREEE is good. But then I read the reviews and they weren't good. But sometimes I do have these thoughts about if it's normal to buy baby stuff before you get pregnant. Does it just depend on what it is. Like if you see something one of a kind cute is that more normal than buying wipes before you get pregnant? (But seriously I do have a small stash of really really cute baby stuff. If its realllyyy cute and different sometimes I'll buy it).
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Air Force Babies
I am excited for two things to happen.
1. For me to get pregnant.
2. For Duane to get out the Air Force.
And to be done with nursing school.
These two thoughts live in and invade my mind. I really want to be a mother and I really want more control of our lives. To live where we want. Honestly and truly, I feel like all the people I know that want to stay in the Air Force.. are happy here. Duane and I aren't unhappy here, but I wouldn't call it happiness. I think theres living and I think there's existing.
Yes, you get free housing, insurance and guaranteed pay. But to stay in just for that? I get it. People need to eat. People need shelter. But to stay in just for that, I feel like for Duane and I.. that would be us doing it out of fear. I don't want to merely exist and live in fear that OMG OMG how will we ever survive without the Air Force.
That said, I think it's easier to leave the Air Force and "be brave" without kids and with both us having college degrees in fields where people tend to find employment. Duane can always go be an engineer. I can always go be a nurse. Hell, we could always live in a studio apartment and eat ramen. But to bring a baby into this. The choice would always be to stay in the AF, if our options were studio apartment and ramen VS free housing an guranteed pay.
But sometimes I do have a fear of Duane getting out the Air Force. I do have a fear of having a baby, and us getting "stuck in" though. I'm all over the place.
I have tremendous fears that us having a baby will be the reason we decide for Duane to stay in the Air Force. If I had any doubt in my mind about finances, would I ever want Duane to leave the Air Force? Hell no. Especially with a child. Could I leave certainty for uncertainty?
But do I really want to play the Air Force game for 16 more years? I'm so over complaining about the first duty station thing. I've accepted that this is where we live. I think there are nice things about Georgia. But we're over it. Honestly and truly don't want to be here. So I can only begin to imagine the fuckery we'll be headed to next if Duane stays in. Idaho, Montana, Kentucky. I can only imagine never having a say in where we live for 16 years. I can only imagine 16 more years of deployments.
I can't see us in this life for 16 more years and happy. But I do see us doing whatever is best for our child at the time.
I know once we have a baby, everything that I think or feel? Doesn't matter. It's all about whats best for the baby. And if that's staying in the Air Force for stability, I can just smelllll crappy orders to Montana and Duane working swing shift and me seeing him for 15 minutes a day. And that's just what we'll do if need be.
I fear Duane getting out if we have a baby. I fear Duane staying in. I fear Duane staying in and deploying and missing out on things. I fear getting orders overseas and not finding a nursing job. FEAR FEAR FEAR.
(Also I legit fear my nursing test on Tuesday. I have no motivation to study for it. Zero. Zilch. Nada.)
1. For me to get pregnant.
2. For Duane to get out the Air Force.
And to be done with nursing school.
These two thoughts live in and invade my mind. I really want to be a mother and I really want more control of our lives. To live where we want. Honestly and truly, I feel like all the people I know that want to stay in the Air Force.. are happy here. Duane and I aren't unhappy here, but I wouldn't call it happiness. I think theres living and I think there's existing.
Yes, you get free housing, insurance and guaranteed pay. But to stay in just for that? I get it. People need to eat. People need shelter. But to stay in just for that, I feel like for Duane and I.. that would be us doing it out of fear. I don't want to merely exist and live in fear that OMG OMG how will we ever survive without the Air Force.
That said, I think it's easier to leave the Air Force and "be brave" without kids and with both us having college degrees in fields where people tend to find employment. Duane can always go be an engineer. I can always go be a nurse. Hell, we could always live in a studio apartment and eat ramen. But to bring a baby into this. The choice would always be to stay in the AF, if our options were studio apartment and ramen VS free housing an guranteed pay.
But sometimes I do have a fear of Duane getting out the Air Force. I do have a fear of having a baby, and us getting "stuck in" though. I'm all over the place.
I have tremendous fears that us having a baby will be the reason we decide for Duane to stay in the Air Force. If I had any doubt in my mind about finances, would I ever want Duane to leave the Air Force? Hell no. Especially with a child. Could I leave certainty for uncertainty?
But do I really want to play the Air Force game for 16 more years? I'm so over complaining about the first duty station thing. I've accepted that this is where we live. I think there are nice things about Georgia. But we're over it. Honestly and truly don't want to be here. So I can only begin to imagine the fuckery we'll be headed to next if Duane stays in. Idaho, Montana, Kentucky. I can only imagine never having a say in where we live for 16 years. I can only imagine 16 more years of deployments.
I can't see us in this life for 16 more years and happy. But I do see us doing whatever is best for our child at the time.
I know once we have a baby, everything that I think or feel? Doesn't matter. It's all about whats best for the baby. And if that's staying in the Air Force for stability, I can just smelllll crappy orders to Montana and Duane working swing shift and me seeing him for 15 minutes a day. And that's just what we'll do if need be.
I fear Duane getting out if we have a baby. I fear Duane staying in. I fear Duane staying in and deploying and missing out on things. I fear getting orders overseas and not finding a nursing job. FEAR FEAR FEAR.
(Also I legit fear my nursing test on Tuesday. I have no motivation to study for it. Zero. Zilch. Nada.)
Monday, March 25, 2013
Nursing school, deployment, paleo.
I feel like I always complain about nursing school. It's just so damn demanding. Whatever.
There's 30 more days left of this semester then we get 3 weeks off and start our last 10 week semester. We're learning about bones right now. Really important stuff. But sometimes I just feel like.. does it ever end. Just give me the damn test already. Cut to the point. I'm exhausted.
And I know the answer is, "Yes, it'll be over soon".
I was telling someone yesterday I graduate in August and I really feel like its 5 years away. I know it'll be over soon, but it doesn't feel like it.
On to the deployment.
I get that people don't involve themselves with "military stuff". Honestly, before Duane joined the military I had no ideas about "military stuff". But the closer we get to Duane leaving, sometimes I just find myself shaking my head. Sometimes I feel like the stuff people say and ask isn't real. It has to be a joke.
"So are you going with your husband on deployment". Is this a serious question? Why in the hell would I go with my husband to a war zone? What I would be doing there? Baking bread? Hanging clothes out to dry? I just have to shake my head that people are that oblivious. If your husband is a cop, do you ride around in a police car while he's on duty. If your husband is a doctor, do you sit in on surgeries?
"Obama is sending the troops home". Where do people get this from? Obama said he was sending SOME of the troops home. There are still tens and thousands of troops there.
In bye bye fat rolls news.. I've lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm very serious about my plan to get skinny. This is the longest I've ever committed to weight loss, other than the time I lost 60 pounds (and gained it all back). I haven't had carbs or soda in 2 weeks. No crappy food. I haven't eaten anything out of a package. Today, I even got Duane a cinnabun and didn't get one for myself. This is so major for me. I can't look at myself and see I've lost weight, but just the fact that the scale is moving DOWN is great. It's enough for me. For our entire marriage, I've weighed more than Duane.
I have a joke with Duane that we have to get wedding pictures taken again so I can have the picture where Duane is holding me in the air. LMAO. Duane can actually carry me, I just always feel so self conscious about being heavier. But I'm just a mere 10 pounds away from victory lap #1 and weighing less that Duane. Victory lap #4 is me frolicking around on the beach. Small steps those, I suppose.
Other than that, it's the same crap.
There's 30 more days left of this semester then we get 3 weeks off and start our last 10 week semester. We're learning about bones right now. Really important stuff. But sometimes I just feel like.. does it ever end. Just give me the damn test already. Cut to the point. I'm exhausted.
And I know the answer is, "Yes, it'll be over soon".
I was telling someone yesterday I graduate in August and I really feel like its 5 years away. I know it'll be over soon, but it doesn't feel like it.
On to the deployment.
I get that people don't involve themselves with "military stuff". Honestly, before Duane joined the military I had no ideas about "military stuff". But the closer we get to Duane leaving, sometimes I just find myself shaking my head. Sometimes I feel like the stuff people say and ask isn't real. It has to be a joke.
"So are you going with your husband on deployment". Is this a serious question? Why in the hell would I go with my husband to a war zone? What I would be doing there? Baking bread? Hanging clothes out to dry? I just have to shake my head that people are that oblivious. If your husband is a cop, do you ride around in a police car while he's on duty. If your husband is a doctor, do you sit in on surgeries?
"Obama is sending the troops home". Where do people get this from? Obama said he was sending SOME of the troops home. There are still tens and thousands of troops there.
In bye bye fat rolls news.. I've lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm very serious about my plan to get skinny. This is the longest I've ever committed to weight loss, other than the time I lost 60 pounds (and gained it all back). I haven't had carbs or soda in 2 weeks. No crappy food. I haven't eaten anything out of a package. Today, I even got Duane a cinnabun and didn't get one for myself. This is so major for me. I can't look at myself and see I've lost weight, but just the fact that the scale is moving DOWN is great. It's enough for me. For our entire marriage, I've weighed more than Duane.
I have a joke with Duane that we have to get wedding pictures taken again so I can have the picture where Duane is holding me in the air. LMAO. Duane can actually carry me, I just always feel so self conscious about being heavier. But I'm just a mere 10 pounds away from victory lap #1 and weighing less that Duane. Victory lap #4 is me frolicking around on the beach. Small steps those, I suppose.
Other than that, it's the same crap.
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